You know, I love to read. I really and truly do appreciate the words that people put down on paper, pigskin, and anything else they seem to be able to get their hands on, including the walls, clothing, and sidewalks god (the industrial revolution) blessed us with. However, it works my fucking nerve that 10 years after the turn of the fucking century (that's ten years after y2k failed to wipe out computing as we know it) people still do not know how to use grammar/spell check.

In fact people appear not to know that grammar/spell check exists, and they seem to be just as devastated in the knowledge department when it comes to Word processors in general. If you're 80 years old and as computer-deaf as a newborn I'm not talking to you! Some of the crap I've been reading online lately has been just downright ridiculous. Do people really not know the difference between "There" "Their" and "They're"? Can people simply not fathom that "Were" and "Where" are different for more reasons than just the added letter h? Is it really so hard to understand that "Here" and "Hear are homonyms that should not be confused, or that most of this stuff is taught to children by 3rd grade?

What, were these people out sick when this junk was being taught in school? How did I (the kid who read in class and never paid attention) learn more about grammar and spelling than half the population of the USA (I'm talking about the half the literate population. You don't count if you dropped out of school at 8th grade.)? Can we send these bastards back to school before I ruin my bright and prolific future by committing a mass murder for the sake of humanity?

Do teachers ever do any work, or do we simply stuff children’s heads with gun powder so they can look like they’ve got something spectacular going on between their ears when pressed for information on what they’ve learned? There’s got to be something more to this. Are children getting dumber, and becoming unfortunately retarded adults, or are teachers getting lazier, or is America so far into that hand-basket I’m always hearing is going to hell that we have no future and so it doesn’t matter if we can write things down?

I am a horrible speller, and my grammar isn't the best in the world. I’ll freely admit that I’m probably a failure as an English Major for just this reason, and that Mrs. Davis (My third grade teacher) would be just as appalled at my horrible grammar as she was at my terrible penmanship. However, the wonders of new age computer, the PC, and that wonderful wonderful program Microsoft Word (or indeed Open Office for you insufficiently coined individuals) I have been able to function in the English reading, writing and speaking society with barely a hiccough.


It is unfortunate that some of you still have not learned the wonders I’ve known. It is a simple pleasure that I extend to you. Please, please, please do everyone a favour, and at least spell-check your silly blogs, e-articles, RSS Feeds, and other writings before you post them somewhere or send them to print to be forever immortalized on the bastardized skin of some poor tree who never did anything to anybody! I’m tired of your common errors and your erroneous ineptitudes in the realm of writing, and I’m sure that in a world where even the bloody web browser checks your spelling you can find somewhere to do the same. I type in “Knowlege” and get a little red squiggle underneath it that reminds me I’ve forgotten the d. Indeed if I stare at it for several seconds and cannot figure out just how I’ve erred, I can right-click (sorry Mac users, I’m sure Job’s has some other cool doohickey that does the same) and get a list of words I might have meant! I’m still flummoxed as to why the fuck Knowles is in my goddamn auto-fill, but I’m sure that Beyonce’s proud she’s got her fucking name in the dictionary. She’s an airhead and she spells better than you bastards!